Vipassana

A 10-day silent retreat you say?

Well, I survived. It was hard, very hard… but I’m glad that I stayed for the whole time and that I tried very hard to meditate. The silent part of the retreat was actually really easy after the initial feeling of rudeness associated with not saying “hello”, “please”, and “thank you” all day long. I even understood the ban on music, reading, and writing. They would have distracted me and complete boredom was an important factor in actually getting me meditating during the last few days!

The rule banning exercise was actually the hardest one to follow. My whole body was aching from sitting for about 12 hours a day, including three 1 hour meditation sittings without moving. At times it felt like my whole being was screaming for a sun-salutation or a few minutes of pigeon position. At other times I just wanted to run as fast as my feet would let me through the forest of fern trees, just to feel my heart beat and breath come faster. Still, I limited my physical exertions to a few stretches.

Though I was forbidden to bring any writing materials with me, I did write something in my head for each day of the retreat. I thought of it as a poem or as a collection of thoughts, but really it was just a way for me to tune into what my general feeling of the day was like. Here it is:

Day 1
Between motivation
and exhaustion: lost air.
I am surrounded by fern trees.

Day 2
The gong sounds. We walk –
as if condemned
To the hall.
A storm brews overhead.
A possum climbs a tree, at night.

Day 3
Awoke, aggressive.
The fallen tree and I share
the fleeting sunlight.
The hall rings with laughter.

Day 4
Vipassana has begun.
The sun has barely come out
The mood is subdued
My body feels not my own
Sensation-less
Goenka: Please, keep quiet.

Day 5
Little green fruit, what is your name?
Part sweet, part grainy; but juicy all the same
Full of liquid seeds, so not a kiwi
Little green fruit, you’re starting to grow on me!
Imagination has free reign.

Day 6
All this talk
of Samkaras and Misery
Where is the basic goodness?
Open air
Open sky
Yet I’m stuck inside.

Day 7
Rocks and fallen leaves;
Messages left on a bench.
Musty earth smell. Rich.

Day 8
Chilly breeze, shifting clouds.
IMPERMANENCE
Different trees, intriguing forest.

Day 9
Around and around
the carefully pre set-up
Nature’s path we go.
I’m stuck on a bench
when will my fantasies stop?
Laugh. Nobody knows!

Day 10
Noble chattering
Drones out the gong’s sound.
Afternoon rain makes the river
Flow
The storm has begun.